The Captains Lady

Dealing with Negativity

 

 

I read somewhere...

...that a life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.

 

There is nothing, except for major physical trauma (quick or ongoing), that affects our radiance as much as negative thoughts and relationships (or lack of relationships) with others. This is especially true for Highly Sensitive Women who often draw the wrong people and experiences into their lives because of their sensitivities and their particular needs.

The more negativity you face, the longer you face it and the more you repress it, the better the chance that these two will send you heading to the doctor's office with often painful symptoms that probably won't reveal much in the lab.

In reverse, there is nothing better for you than positive relationships, self-talk and emotional expression.

For a list of symptoms that correspond with the impact of negativity, visit 'Signs of Stress'.

 

The Froggy Princess

If you throw a frog in hot water, she will surely jump out and run. However, if you place her in cool water and slowly heat it to boiling, she'll stay put, stew and die. I suppose when the frog princess reaches heaven and looks back in hindsight, she will have known at what point she should have leapt out of the pan, but here on earth it was hard to determine the exact moment. So it is with humans and human relationships. We enter them when they are cool and as they heat up we often stay anyway, allowing them to drain us of our precious energy, sometimes killing us from the dis-ease they leave behind. 

The moral of the story? Check the temperature of your relationships and situations often! Emotional or physical suffering of any kind may be a clue that you are in hot water!

 

Other Faces of Negativity

Any time you are dealing with negativity, you are dealing with pressure, resistance and, sometimes, oppression (more pressure). When you feel stressed, something is pressing in on you to change things somehow. We can also be oppressed by others who are trying to keep us down or by our very own personal thoughts and behaviors, which contribute toward a negative attitude. This kind of negativity, especially when repressed, can be felt in our 'gut' or as muscle pain, stomach ache, headache, back pain or other physical symptoms, even though we do not always recognize it as such. 

Some negativity in life is healthy. It helps us to make decisions, take action and to grow. However, too much negativity can create fear, halt us in our tracks, rob our souls of energy, and stunt our ability to move ahead toward our goals and dreams.

 

Happiness does not depend on who you are or what you have;

 it depends on what you think.  

- Dale Carnegie

 

Problems With A Negative Attitude?

You will not be able to evade negative situations, people and emotions in life. What is important here is that you realize that 'like attracts like'. This means that the more you think doom and gloom the more doom and gloom you will experience. A negative attitude can begin simply with calling yourself stupid over something and can end by spiraling down a never-ending black tunnel of pessimism, doubt and gloom. You can reverse this by thinking more positive thoughts. The more positive you think, the more positive you will be and feel. The body follows the mind. 

Energy Wellness Tip! If there is a problem that is following you around like a black cloud, imagine that 10 years have gone by. Look back and see how you handled the situation that is bothering you. What decisions did you make? Why? Are you satisfied with the outcome. No? Do somemore imagining. Change things. If nothing else, realize that in 10 years, this will all be behind you.

 

   A Bit of Anatomy & Physiology

The Vitruvian Man by Leonardo DaVinci

 

Our nervous systems are comprised of two main parts, the sympathetic and the para-sympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system corresponds to arousal, flight or fight response.

The parasympathetic nervous system corresponds to openness, calm and acceptance. If we have enough response from the parasympathetic nervous system during a heart attack, it could even prevent it, or at least prevent damage. That is how powerful it is!

The adrenal glands are the control centers for our major hormones. When we are stressed, and in flight or fight mode, certain hormones kick in to help save us from danger. Our appetite shuts down, our heart speeds up, adrenaline rushes through our blood, and our our muscles tense for battle. We can even see and hear better. But, when we stay in that mode for too long, without any real danger, our bodies suffer.

Too often, in today's world, we are in fight or fight mode too often without good cause. It is important to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system by learning to remain calm, being more open and more accepting of ourselves and others.

 

Negative People & Relationships

Negative people are not always as obvious as you think they might be. It is easy to recognize a temper tantrum or certain forms of sarcasm as being negative. But, sometimes the most negative person can be that sweet guy you married or that co-worker who always offers to help you out on their break. There are those who have hidden agendas and allow their 'negativities' to build up before releasing them on others by blowing up or by directing their negativity toward themselves through self-sabotaging behaviors. Either way, negativity is the enemy of the soul and if you or someone you closely know are negative on a regular basis you will begin to feel it in your body. We cannot avoid negativity, but we can learn to manage it.

The most damaging of all situations to your energy field is the negative or abusive relationship. Highly Sensitive Women are often attracted to men who are not highly sensitive. If you are in a relationship where you feel that you are living in two different worlds, even though you are together, you are probably unequally yolked to someone who is not highly sensitive and really has no real understanding of what it means to be you. What may have strted beautifully enough may end up creating two souls who always believe in the worst, act out of selfishness, or become immobilized by insecurity, usually both, with retaliation as a main theme.

In positive relationships this doesn't really interfere and can even spark some healthy conversation, but in negative or abusive relationship, it takes its toll, especially for the Highly Sensitive Woman who feels that much more deeply and whose health and sanity are affected by her deep feelings and thoughts.

Negative people will surprise us with jabs when our guards are down. They are good at it. The next time this happens, cross your arms over your upper stomach and lower chest to help protect your Solar Plexus and Heart chakras. These are your feeling centers. You can also harden your aura by surrounding yourself in a bubble of white light. When all else fails, and you can't get away from the person, run into your imaginary castle court yard (in your mind), and draw up the draw bridge!

Understanding and intimacy are vital factors in developing healthy relationships. Intimacy is the ability to be close, to be yourself, and to feel safe in that closeness. You cannot have intimacy without understanding.

It is true that positive breeds positive and light lifts away darkness. However, to continually be the light and lift someone else's negativity is draining. It is a hard road to travel and why should you? Your very soul suffers, your aura becomes duller and smaller, and eventually you become dis-eased.

If your mate and your friends are not supportive of you emotionally, their neglect will weigh you down. In fact, it can be increasingly difficult to get away from these people and situations because you are so continually drained. You cannot live an unhealthy lifestyle and expect to become healthy.

 

The 'Fool' & Relationships

There are times when being a Highly Sensitive Woman may lead you to believe that everyone who is not highly sensitive person must be asleep in their lives, or be an absolute fool, but this isn't so. We need the 'others', and they need us, in order to fulfill our purposes while we are here on earth.

 

It is the 'fool' that we could all live without.

 

The bible talks a lot about fools and offers a lot of advice. Check out Proverbs. There is absolutely nothing we can do with, for, or about a fool to make things any better. A true fool resists any good advice, will not hear criticism (no mater how nicely it is presented), is impatient, crude, rude, angry, sometimes violent or addicted (or both), never says he is sorry, has no compassion, believes he is right about everything and justifies all of his thoughts and actions with nonsense. He is never truly sorry, feels shame, guilt or remorse. He can experience regret, sadness, and fear, but only when it applies to himself. And furthermore, he can be charming, intelligent and irrisistable over and over again. This is also the definition of a psychopath.

Not everyone who appears overly charming, controlling, or unable to learn from past mistakes is a psychopath. A true psychopath shows a lifetime pattern of these kinds of attitudes and behaviors. The only time he may show sorrow is when he is caught at something, but even then the tears and sadness, although genuine, are only for himself and to win others to his side. We all have personal failings of one kind or another, so don't go around calling someone a psychopath until you know for sure. Do your homework if you think you might be involved with one. 

Dealing With Negativity provides warnings signs and suggestions for many types of relationship negativity. Keep reading!

 

Negativity F.Y.I.

If someone will not respect your needs after telling them what they are, is it worth staying? Consider this. Constant worrying or arguing with a mate will keep you in the 'flight or fight' response mode. When this happens, your digestive system is turned off. It is like being in danger all of the time. This can begin to make you feel sick.

Is your relationship worth feeling sick over or worth possibly dying for? Because once we start to have nutritional problems, we begin to have a myriad of other problems.

We cannot live an unhealthy lifestyle and remain healthy. We can't. It is an impossibility. If you think bad thoughts long enough, you'll end up with bad chemistry (stress affects our hormones as well), which falls under...psychoneuroimmunology.

You can relearn how to love, and be loved, by yourself and others. You can! If the world has become a scary place for you, start by being thankful for what you do have instead of what you don't. You may not have money, but maybe you can walk. You may not have clothes, but you can see. You might not have a great marriage. You may even have to find a way to leave it behind, but your child put their arms around you tonight and told you that they love you. Be glad for the small things.

Stop worrying about what you cannot do, or cannot change, at least just yet, and focus on what you can. Little by little, your positive thoughts will change your world to a place where you can love, laugh and live again!

Most of all, try to surround yourself with positive people who really care about you personally. If this isn't possible, at least place yourself among positive people in general, as often as you can. Attend some positive seminars, start a new class somewhere, join a church. Be where the energy is filling, not draining. Become selective of the company you keep.

Older women have a hard time, I think, with the feeling of loss. As we get older, we lose things in our life. We lose parents, pets, friends, our youth and if we are not careful, our hope. At the same time, there is a yearning to let go of all that is unimportant in our lives and to move on to a place of simplicity and authenticity. Menopause is often a precursor to this new way of thinking.

 

Negativity On the Job

Highly Sensitive Women must lend extra consideration in choosing their careers and places of  employment, as highly sensitive people truly value being of help and service to others. Anything less and the HSW can become ill. It is important for HSW to be challenged in a positive ways, to work calm and stable environments (the closer to nature the better), to be able to set one's own pace and to own the ability to make independent decisions. 

For HSWs variety is definitely the spice of life. Repetitious work can become boring rather quickly, and being bored leads to emotional and physical stress.

Many HSWs are also idealists. They see the world not how it is is (they know how it is), but how it could be. HSWs are organizers and fixers, constantly striving to improve things. It is important to choose work where this gift is recognized and appreciated. Unfortunately, most companies are wrote, meaning they want things done the way they've always been done. Coloring outside of the lines is not encouraged, can cause frustration (on both sides), and can even be the cause of dismissal.

If you are unhappy in your job, consider what it is you really want to do and begin takling steps to get there. Perhaps you need to beef up your resume, take an online class, or go back to school part time. Don't stay in a job that you know is killing you. 

 

Fearful Relationships Hurt

Fear is a trauma based emotion. Whether you are dealing with phobias, an abusive relationship or post traumatic stress, fear will greatly impact the body if it is not dealt with. If you have been the victim of years of trauma, no matter how old you were (or are now), you may not even know what it is like to live without fear. How often do you feel nervous or panicky? Do you feel you have to 'walk on egg shells' all of the time? Do you jump or startle easily? Are your muscles tense? Do you get stomach pain or a headaches easily when under normal stress? Do you grow silent or cry easily, as if you feel you are about to be retraumatized, even if you aren't? If so, you are likely experiencing trauma related fear. When you were in the trauma situation it was normal to feel fear or terror. But unless you are still in a situation that is dangerous for you, it is important to learn to work through your fear and then leave it in the past where it belongs. Always being fearful is unhealthy. If you are still in danger, it is important for you to try to get out of that situation and protect yourself.

Don't make the mistake of thinking it is easier to stay where you are, or safer. This may be easier said than done for the Highly Sensitive Woman who often prefers the safety of the 'known' and for whom 'the unknown' can bring on physical symptoms of stress.

Fear of the unknown can stop us in our tracks, make us drop anchor and tell ourselves we are content, for whatever reason, right where we are. As impossible as it may seem, you can still achieve victory over negativity! Remember to take action! Feeling follows action and positive action creates positive feelings. God wants us to have a positive and abundant life.

One of the worst forms of abuse has nothing to do with violence, but will lead to it if it is not put in check. Some people do not consider themselves abused because they are not physically hit, pushed, shoved or kicked by their mates. Verbal abuse can cause one to spiritually die long before the abuser physically harms them. As a part of your 'taking action', if you even remotely think your mate is abusive or cruel, if you do nothing else, I recommend you purchase and read the book by Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.

If you have a relationship you feel is worth saving, take action to make your significant other feel special. This may be something as simple as listening. Do the things you used to do in the beginning when all that mattered was showing how much you cared.

If, on the other hand, if you are in a relationship that is dominated by negative feelings or is abusive, you may have to take smaller actions and 'baby-step' your way out of it. You may have to take action as far as doing what is necessary to become more independent. If there is the potential for violence in your relationship, be careful. It may be best to keep your ideas to yourself or between yourself, a trusted friend or an organization for now.

Worry can kill you. Worry causes stress and stress can harm you. If you find yourself worrying about 'what-ifs', it is time to face your fear. Identify it. What are you afraid of, exactly? Take a piece of paper. Write down all of the 'What Ifs" that frighten you. Under that, write the question "Why?" and then write down the worst case scenario. Continue writing this way until you reach the truth, the real fear under all of your worry. It doesn't matter if your fear is selfish or not. Most fears are unless they are fears for someone else's safety. Once you define your fear, face it constructively and begin to make a plan for what you will do should the worst case scenario ever happen. This takes the worry out of the fear. The fear may still be there, but the worry will not.

Most worry stems from not having a plan. If you are caught in a negative cycle of worry, start planning.

 

Happiness is when what you think,

what you say and what you do are in harmony. 

- Mahatma Ghandi

 

Negativity, Depression & Dis-ease

Some people become dis-eased from not being at-ease for too long a period. When the mind is out of balance from negative thoughts and emotions the body physiologically changes. This can cause negative emotions and wrong thinking. Our thoughts can actually recreate our cellular material causing us to become ill due to changes in brain chemistry.

Our bodies can't help but follow our thoughts. Our molecules move along at a certain speed. Positive thoughts increase vibrational speed and negative thoughts decrease them. So if we are thinking positively, or around positive people, our energy levels will rise. Have you ever felt radiant and energized when someone you liked walked into a room?

On the other hand, people with lower energy frequencies (negative people) pull energy away from us. They drain us. The thing is, higher energy folks can handle it. This is why it is important to be around positive people. They lift our vibrations to a higher level so we can handle the occassional negative person.

Highly Sensitive Women draw in energies, both positive and negative, like a sponge. Constantly being around even one negative person on a regular basis will keep you depleted of your life force. You will find it hard to make decisions about even the most mundane things. You will feel tired and anxious. If you can avoid a person or place that brings you dis-ease, please do so. 

For more on anxiety and depression, visit 'Anxiety & Phobias (Depression too!)'.

 

Physical Correspondences to Emotional 'Hurts'

Eyes: Having no insight toward purpose in life while here on earth.

Neck: Heart and mind are not bridged in alignment.

Shoulders: Bearing burdens and the weight of the world on our own.

Lungs: Great, or ongoing, grief and sadness.

Liver: Carrying around anger.

Stomach: Feeling as though, or believing, we have no control.

Back & Legs: Being financially or emotionally unsupported.

Knees: Facing difficulty in surrendering to a higher will.

Feet: Having trouble standing up for what we believe in.

 

When Anxiety Rules

Anxiety often stems from feeling you do not have the right to be angry when you actually do have a right. Stuff your anger down inside of yourself, long enough, and you will begin to lose hope. From there you will follow the road of apathy.

Anxiety is also caused by not having a very good sense, or perspective, about risk. What this means is that when any risks are taken, no matter how large or small, fear is disproportionate to the risk and anxiety sets in. This often stems from perfectionism and fear of making a mistake.

Anxiety is also caused from not being able to handle randomness. Random events can leave one feeling powerless. In fact, not having control of situations, emotions or even your own body can cause extreme anxiety.

Separation anxiety is a form of anxiety that often has it's roots in early childhood stemming from separation from a parent or some other safe person. Fear of abandonment or separation from those we love in current relationships are often a result of this kind of early childhood trauma.

There are physical reasons for anxiety, such as pH imbalance (chemical imbalances), hypoglycemia and diabetes, injuries to the neck or spine, and allergies. It is important to rule these out. Most often, anxiety is related to negative thinking.  

Avoiding fear and anxiety prevents you from overcoming it. It can keep you bound to safe people and safe places (agoraphobia).

 

Anxiety Self-Help Exercise

When we are anxious it is often because we feel we have no control over a situation and will fall apart if things go badly for us. We imagine worst-case scenarios and freak out over them, which makes mountains out of mole-hills and leads to even worse worst-case scenarios, right?

Rather than think about worst case scenarios, think of the best-case scenario in your situation. You may be facing something in your life right now that really frightens you. Grab a piece of paper and write down the worst thing that could happen to you in this situation. Then, write down the best thing that could happen to you in this same situation. Most likely, what will really happen is somewhere in the mix and you will be able to handle that. Plan for the worst. Do what you can do, but expect better.

For example, you have a speech coming up in one of your classes. You fear public speaking.

#1. Worst-case scenario is that you will shake tremble, forget your words, feel like a fool and perhaps even pass out. The ambulance will come and they won't take you because, after all, you only had an anxiety attack. Now you are sitting on the floor, sweating, with your classmates surrounding you asking you if you are OK. You are humiliated and defeated and you still have to give your speech at some point. You want to die.

#2. Best-case scenario (the one to focus on) is that you will have one of your better days and sail right through your speech. Everyone is focused on you and you find you are loving the attention of the group and the feeling of self confidence that washes over you. The teacher commends you on your articulate presentation and you walk away with an A. Afterwards, you are calm and collected as classmates comment on your fascinating topic.

#3. The most-likely scenario goes like this. You realize this is going to be a difficult day for you, so you make sure you are well prepared ahead of time. You go over your speech in the mirror. You tape it as you rehearse, and check for anything you would like to change, until you are satisfied with your presentation. The night before, you lay out your outfit for the next day and go to bed early enough to get a good night's sleep. In the morning you eat a balanced breakfast before dressing, pocket your lucky charm and head to school. On the way, you imagine everything going perfectly. When you get there and it is your turn to speak, your palms get a little sweaty, your heart beat speeds up but you take a few deep breaths and begin. Somewhere in the middle of your speech you realize you are not going to faint, no ambulances will have to come and you relax some. You keep speaking. You are sounding calm and self assured. By the end of your speech you wonder what all the fuss was about and you happily receive your A and visit with your classmates afterwards.

#1 scenario lets you know what you need to work on and plan ahead for, #2 scenario tells you what your deepest wish or need is and #3 scenario will always be a better one when you focus on #2!

 

Feeling Hopeless?

If you feel that everything that was valuable about your life is fading or is gone. If you feel dead inside (which is 'apathy'), ask yourself what it is that you no longer have that used to bring you joy, peace and contentment. What basic needs were not being met that landed you on this path?

Was it love? Love yourself. Show someone else you love them!

Trust? Begin listening to your gut hunches.

Affection? Turn your bathroom into a spa tonight or go hug someone.

Creativity? Paint, cook, pot a plant, move your furniture around, buy a new couch pillow. 

Energy? Get some rest, talk to a friend, laugh and eat better.

Playfulness? Go swing at the park. Get a kite, ride your bike. Dance! Wrestle! Go find a rock or shell you like on the beach.

A pet? Get one. Better yet, borrow one for the day!

A nicer home or area of town? This will take some planning, but set some goals. Put up pictures around the house of where you wish to live and how you'd like to decorate. 

A better job? Revamp your resume! (See 'Negativity On the Job' above.)

Your health? Get a check up and follow The Captains Lady's guidelines (with care provider permission of course!). 

A better relationship with your children? Listen, apologize, tell them you love them, spend time with them (not in front of a screen).

 

Did Someone Die? 

Regardless of your religious beliefs (you don't even have to have any to do this), you can still talk to those who have gone on. Even if you think 'dead-is-dead', you can still talk to them and imagine their answers to you. Imagination is a gift.

If you can imagine that you will never see them again, that they are gone forever, that you will grieve the rest of your life, then you can also imagine that they are standing by your side, hear the words you speak to them, and will always be there for you.

Another thing you can do is write your loved one a letter and tell them everything you never got a chance to say or would like to say now. It may not seem like much, but on some level of being, this sharing with them, and with yourself, is healing. You can't get them back, but you can come to a place of feeling you never lost them, except in physical form of course, which is the hardest part about being human and having a loved one pass on.

Whatever is stopping you from having or doing the things that made you happy, deal with that. That is where you begin. Start doing the things that used to make you happy today.

  

Emotional Grounding: An Exercise 

What you think, you will become. It is true. If you think you are happy and satisfied, you will be. If you think you are a loser and will never amount to anything, you will be that as well. Often, we are not even aware of what we are thinking. In fact, it may not seem like we are thinking all of the time, it can seem more like we are just 'feeling' all of the time. It is important to know the thoughts behind the feelings so that we can change them if they are negative.

Writing can help us to gain perspective on what we are feeling. If you are feeling negatively, and don't know why, take out a piece of paper and write the answers to these questions/

"What am I feeling?" Write down your answer.

Then, ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this way?" Write down your answer.

Keep doing this until you have the core answer. You'll know when you have the core answer because you will have gone as far with your answers as you can go. 

Then ask yourself, "Do I have any real reason to feel this way?" Explore your answers.

Then, ask yourself, "Realistically, what can I do about this right now, today, that will make me feel better?" Answer your question. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to do this?” Answer your question. If you answer is no, ask yourself why.

If you aren't ready to do it, or it is beyond your means, don't waste time feeling bad about it. It is enough to know what you are feeling and why. You will now have some idea of what you will need to do to feel better as well.

If, during your writing, you discovered that you are bad talking yourself, (I'm so stupid, I could never do this or that, I screwed up, I'm too scared...etc.), make a commitment to give yourself pep talks and compliments the rest of the week. Be your own best friend. You will begin to feel better, I promise! 

If you are able to do something about the way you feel, and want to, do it. If you are not able, are stuck or want to hold off, I suggest making a 'Prayer or Wish Box'. This box is where you keep your written down prayer, wish or trouble put away for a bit. Often, when you come back to them, you will find prayers have been answered and problems have been solved!

 

Get Your Hugs In! 

Touch is important. Without regular doses of love and affection our 'feel good' brain chemical levels drop? As a result, depression develops, which causes all manner of symptoms including chronic pain! This applies to everyone from 1 to 100+! Get your hugs in, ladies! You will not live as long without them. Go in search of those you can hug. Makes no difference who's getting or giving as long as they are received.

Energy Wellness Hug Tip! Pay attention to your hugs. I think we, as humans, are far too distracted during a hug. We talk during hugs, we think about our own insecurities during hugs. Even if we don't think about them, we may feel them (am I hugging to hard, am I hugging too long, and I standing too close, is anyone watching me, etc.), we are already walking or pushing away during a hug, and we often don't look at the person we have hugged. Part of hugging is living in the moment and making eye contact, being there, actively giving and accepting. Don't miss the moment!

  

Commit to Doing at Least One Thing Daily!

If you feel awful, do something wonderful, or something that needs doing. You will feel better! It will work. Why? Because it takes far less energy to get up and do something than it does to sit around worrying about things. If there is nothing else to do, get up and do some maintenance activities. Do the dishes, paint your toes, or tackle the hall closet. Decide you are going outdoors today to find a pet rock. Maybe you could call or write someone that needs you. Who or what have you neglected lately? Get the focus off of you. If you wait to feel like doing something, you may never do it.

  

Boosting Your Self-Esteem as a HSW 

Sometimes, when we have low energy, it is all we can do to crawl out of bed in the morning, brush our teeth, and try to put a smile on our face for our coworkers, spouses and friends. Some of us get very good at going through the motions, but inside we know that life is not right.

This feeling of internal stand still leads to inaction and apathy. If we are not careful, it can also lead to thoughts of no longer 'being'. If this is you, take heart. It is vital is to have a plan, to boost your self-esteem, regardless of your situation, which is outlined and explained in the 'Building Self-Esteem Daily Energy Wellness Guide'. 

 

 

When you live out your values

and feel satisfied with your relationships,

you will feel secure.

-Gary Null

 

 

May Love & Energy Be Yours!

 

 

Email: DriftingGallion@yahoo.com

Web: www.thecaptainslady.com